I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
