dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
