I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
