Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
