how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
