You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
