I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
