I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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