I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
