my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
