Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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