mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
