If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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