It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
