I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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