Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
