so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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