Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
