he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
