u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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