Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
