I could have mohawked her pubes.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
