my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
