Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
