life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
