if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
