Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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