just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
