After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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