4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
