I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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