He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
