if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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