Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
