My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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