Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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