They should really pass out barf bags in church
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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