I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
my poor anus
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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