Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
