i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
