you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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