Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
