I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Alive.
So much puke
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
