eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
