I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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