About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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