I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
