Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
