That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
