so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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