I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
